This blog was inspired by one of the amazing women from with Wild Women Symposium in October 2014
Wow that was beautifully said! You should be a writer with how that just flowed out of you. Thank you for your heart and journey. That is the path. It is not easy but it is necessary to crack open the doorways into your true essence. From the time I was a child I found things very difficult also. I felt that I was different but not in some grandiose way but in a very common way. Standing was difficult, walking was difficult. Breathing was difficult. When I expressed that everyone looked at me like I was nuts or complaining. As a ballet dancer the teachers would scream at me, "Why are you breathing like a mule, Stop it." My thought was why is no one else breathing like a mule? Why can I not breathe properly. Everyone else makes ballet look so easy." My teachers would say over and over again, "Suzanne, No excuses, Just do it!" So I would try and try, again and again, sure that the problem was mine and I just needed to stop seeing my limitations as limitations. So I saw them as challenges or edges to lean into. Which worked to a large degree. The the Vedic Astrologers used to freak out seeing my chart and not in a good way but in a totally shutting down way. They labeled me, "Mangalic" which means malific or deformed, karmically labeled for hardship. And I could feel that life was hard but I found their superstition made me want to prove them wrong. (I have that tendency in my core that when you tell me something I am going to go in the opposite direction. They told me I would never be successful and that the "Gods" were against me. I knew that to be a lie. There were no Gods against me. This is life and life is there to teach you things. I began studying great gurus and found out how most of them had huge challenges to over come. Saints also. So then I thought I was at least in good company. And if they could do it so could I. But one of my friends who is a Zen Sensae says, "I have looked death in the eyes more often than anyone she knows. And it is true. I should be dead 10 times over at this point but instead of making me jaded about life I found that in those moments was a deep truth. In those moments I could feel the presence of guides and angels. I felt protected and not afraid. I realized that dying was actually very easy it was life that was difficult. I began to see the divine in each moment guiding me. I knew that the universe was not trying to kill me (because it had ample opportunity) it was trying to show me......me! I heard them say over and over again, "If we can get you through fear we can get anyone on this planet through fear.." I discovered that my body did not have enough strength or energy to do what was required so from about the age of 9 I started asking for divine help and I would be flooded with huge waves of energy all around me. All I needed to do was ask. I realized that it is an illusion that you have to anything alone or by yourself. I struggled with hormone problems my whole life that no one would believe until the medical world grew up and finally understood a test that showed what I had been saying since I was 18 years old. I bless the Chinese doctors that have kept me alive with their herbs and acupuncture and I thank my guides and myself for being willing to spend money on that rather than eat at moments. The hormone imbalance also had me gain 60 pounds at one point and I had to really work hard to keep my mental and exercise discipline in place to get it off. It was only when I was finally 50 years old and got my first colonoscopy that they woke me up and said, "You are going for an MRI now. Your colon is 9 feet long instead of 6 feet long and if that is wrong than everything else in your abdomen is also going to be off." So sure enough they discovered that everything in my body is in the wrong place. It is too lengthy to go into here but their way of saying it is that in the first 10 divisions of the embryo dividing, it made mistakes and then kept making those mistakes. Suddenly every struggle made since. My bones are not straight and I have been holding myself upright with my muscles my whole life. I am missing things like a kidney, an adrenal, I am infertile, ovaries are in the wrong places. etc. In that moment I understood the term, "Mangalic" I am challenged at every doorway. And it has been my body that taught me a huge lesson. You don't have to do anything alone. There is always energy and support out there for you. All you need to do it ask for help and when you ask from your authentic self you find others like you that are there to love and support your journey. I have been looking for my tribe also. And the amazing thing was that they were always here but I did not know how to recognize them because I got caught in my narrow world. So here we are. I am so glad you are here. We have been all looking for each other and it is with great gratitude that we are all at the same place of awakened awareness at the same time. That is amazing to me and once again reminds me that there is something outside of us all guiding us to this magical moment. I remember when I set foot in Salt Lake City. I heard the angels say, "This is the place of meeting for you. You are arrived at the agreed upon coordinates to connect with those from your past." I understand that now, finally at 54. Thank you angels and guides for allowing me to have this journey. It has been a beautiful and miraculous journey. Thank you for this body and these struggles. Thank you for never letting me go. Thank you for bringing my tribe back to me. Much love to you Amy and to you all.